N is for Nonsense – Part 3

The following conversation took place mostly in Spanish. I was with a friend, I went to the toilet and when I returned there was a girl in my seat. 

Girl – I’m sorry, can you understand me?

Me – Yes.

Girl – You speak Spanish?

Me – A bit, yes.

Girl – OK, so, there are so many things you can do here. Every building offers something new. You can expand your mind and learn so much. The teachers are great people, you can learn a lot from them. They have so much wisdom and intelligence and they are so friendly. Yes.


OK, so this girl from Peru seems lovely. She’s very pretty. She’s dressed in the typical Nepalese, Tibetan baggy clothes that everyone wears and she has a blue dot, drawn on, in the middle of her forehead. In Hinduism, the dot can have various meanings, but it’s generally a tribute to Shiva, who has three eyes. There are loads of fake monks who wander around, gluing them on people’s foreheads and then demanding money and telling tourists they were blessed. This girl obviously fell for it.

Mexican – And, where are you from?

Girl – I’m a citizen of the world. I am from every country.


Rapidly translating Spanish into English, I’m thinking… did she just say that? Does that sound equally as a retarded in Spanish as it does in English? Yes. Yes, it does.

Mexican – OK. I’m from Mexico. How long have you been here?

Girl – Quite for a while. 3 weeks.

Me – Oh, me too.

Girl – It feels like home. The energy, there is a sensation of learning. If you need to know anything, just ask me.


And… that’s the confirmation I was looking for. She’s obviously missing a screw.


Me – What country are you originally from?


The Mexican laughs. We got to know each other because he’s staying in the same Ashram as me, and also because we were the only people that kept repeatedly falling over during the morning yoga classes. We’ve smoked a lot of weed together and it’s safe to say, he’s definitely not from this planet.

Girl – Can you guess?

Me – A country that speaks Spanish, but not Spain.

Girl – Correct.

Mexican  – Not Mexico.

Girl – Correct.

Me – Not Cuba or Argentina.

Girl – Why not Cuba or Argentina?

Me – Because I can understand you.

Girl – OK. Correct.

Me – Costa Rica?

Mexican – No. It’s not that, it’s …………………. Peru?

Girl – Yes.


She looks disappointed that he guessed correctly.

Mexican B joins us. Sitting with Mexican B is like sitting with the Greek God Apollo. He is easily the most beautiful man ever, and everyone, I mean, EVERYONE stares at him. Mexican B was a pro yoga dude, and thus we didn’t have the same connection… because he is from Heaven, where he is perfect and I’m on the street with cows…. smelling and looking like shite.


Mexican B – Hello. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Girl – Hello.


She doesn’t notice how good looking he is at all.


Girl – Have you had Ayurvedic treatments yet? They are amazing, incredible, you will not believe it. I have had four and I feel like a completely different person.


Look up Ayurvedic treatments, if you’ve never heard of it. Originally from the south of India, it is the oldest form of medicine known to man. It’s all based on natural ingredients and working in harmony with the body.

Mexican B – I got some in stuff in Goa for my cough. I’ve been taking it for 5 days and it doesn’t seem to be working.

Me – I had the same thing and I …

Girl – It will work, but you have to believe that it will work.


Who the feck gave her a degree in medicine?


Girl – It originally comes from this region.


Wrong. About 3000 km wrong.

Girl – It’s all about your energy. … If you cleanse your energy and believe that it will work, then it will.

Mexican – Not very scientific.

Girl – It’s not scientific. It’s nature.

Me – I don’t think they work.

Girl – You’re wrong. You don’t know. You have to discover and learn.

Me – But Ayurveda is not Voodoo. It should work if you believe or you do not believe. It’s a pill.

Girl – It’s a tablet, not a pill. A natural tablet.


My Spanish is limited in this area because I must confess, I thought tablet and pill were the same thing. Maybe, she was being an arse or I need to study more Spanish.

Mexican – Natural? Is that different?

Girl – Yes. Yes. Yes. Mucho.

Mexican – Why?

Girl – It just is. No chemicals. The chemicals harm your body. A lot of harm.


OK. At this point, I should explain something so you don’t think I’m an arsehole. Basically, 90% of travelers in this town are so into themselves. They smile and say how are you, but literally talk and talk about themselves, and then move on. Disguised as being new age and hippy, it’s remarkably commercial and hipster. There are some good points about the place. I love where I am staying, my teachers are great, but listening to this bullshit day after day is so annoying. She’s not an expert, she’s probably never heard of Ayurveda until 3 weeks ago, one day she will go back to life in her country, probably working in bank and will look back on this as a phase. She’s wearing symbols, she’s got no clue about… I don’t either… but I don’t go around preaching something I’ve just learnt to other people or glue it on my forehead.

I now switch the conversation back to English so I have the home advantage.

Me – I don’t think they harm your body. There are medicines. I had a cough and I took some Ayurvedic stuff and it didn’t work. But I know people that say it does work.

Mexican – I guess it depends…
Girl – No. No. It doesn’t. It won’t work unless you cleanse your body from the other bad chemicals and your body adjusts to the natural ingredients of Ayurvedic.

Me – Right. Well, I don’t know if that’s true. But I know that if I was sick with a burning cough… my priority would be getting rid of it asap. I think as a lifestyle Ayurveda might work… but if you are really sick …...

She switches back to Spanish.

Girl – It can cure all kinds of illnesses. Anything. Anything. You don’t need Western medicine.


I switch back to English.

Me – That’s bullshit.


They both look me, because they can see I’m getting pissed off. The Mexican is also getting annoyed. Mexican B is simply looking at his reflection in the window. Can’t say I blame him, I’d never leave the window, if I looked like that.

Me – Sorry, but if you have a brain tumor… you mean to tell me, you would go running down to the forest to gnaw on some plants and lick the trees. Ridiculous.


Mexicans burst out laughing.


Me – You, like anyone else, would call an ambulance and thank the Lord when you go into a hospital. There is definitely a place for Ayurvedic medicine, don’t get me wrong. But I think it’s more than fair to say that sometimes you just need the real thing.

Mexican B – Yes. Yes. I think the same way.


Mexican B sounds so sexy in English.

Girl – You just don’t understand it. You have no idea what bad chemicals are in them.

Me – Really? I think my 8 years as a biochemist… I might have some idea.


I’m such a liar, but fuck it, she doesn’t know.

Mexican – You are a bio-chemist. Wow…

Me – Yes, I’m actually doing my PhD here in India.


Oh, God, slow it down Shane… Don’t go too far, you are very full of bollox.

Mexican – Wow, and where do you study?

Me – London. It’s nothing to do with Ayurvedic stuff, but I know about chemicals.

Mexican B – In Oxford?

Me – Yes. How did you guess?


I have an issue, but so does this bitch. People like her amaze me. I can never understand how they don’t sustain serious spinal injuries from kissing their own arseholes all day.

She switches back to Spanish.

Girl – Have any of you two tried yoga?

Mexican B – Yes. I’m a yoga teacher.

Girl – Oh, wow, that’s such a interesting job.


OK, so she hates me, but she maybe she just needed a little bat on the head to come back to reality and if her disliking me is the price… well… fuck it… I don’t care.

Other hilarious quotes this week…..

We had the worst tour guide ever who brought us around the mountains for 4 days and 3 nights. The moment we met him and gave him our names, he said this:

Guide – “I’m very happy to meet you. I’m very excited. This is my first time in the mountains”.



I met a lovely man, who drove me to a river rafting site.

“Driver – Sorry, excuse my driving. I just got my driving license”.

Me – Yes, you are driving in the middle of the road around this mountains. I think you need to beep when you go around them. You know… for oncoming traffic...

Driver – Oh, right. I just smoked a lot of weed before I got in the car, because I like to be high when I raft, but I can’t see very well without my glasses.

Me – Lovely. I would like to be alive when I raft.


I made friends with a lovely local waiter who thought I was his Guru. He would always ask me deep meaningful questions about the universe, the cosmos and humanity’s journey.

“Waiter – What’s different from Asia people. Only face?”

“Me – What?”

“Waiter – China and Japanese people, not same. Only eyes or more?

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