A new year, a new you? Why not start the New Year being positive, healthier, happier and more productive. Isn’t it time to change your life and get rid of the things that make you unhappy? Don’t you want to be a better you?
If I see these words one more bloody time, I’m gonna rip my eyes out with a blunt spoon. I’d rather start the New Year the same way I start every New Year – with a hangover, a pizza and strong sense of social regret. I don’t wanna be a better person or be the best that I can be. I don’t have time to be the best that I can be; there are tonnes of new series on Netflix that need watching. I’m not the best version of me but I’m alright. My New Year’s resolution is to look in the mirror every day and go… “You know what, yeah, that will do. Thanks”. Could I be healthier? Could I be happier? Could I be more productive? Yeah. Am I gonna be? Probably not. Here a list of things I think you SHOULDN’T do at the beginning of this wonderful year.
1 – No Booze.
January has become Dry January or Veganuray. This is where you stop drinking due to the excess of Xmas or go Vegan for the beginning of the New Year. Now, let’s look at this objectively people. January is a dark, cold month and there are no Christmas lights. They all come down on January 6th. Everyone is poor and fat due to Christmas and the pubs are completely empty. Restaurants offer discounts on early birds and even complimentary wine with your meal. And this is seriously the time that you start giving up on alcohol. No no no. If you’re concerned about your spending, you don’t go out and win the lottery and then decide, “You know what, I’m spending too much”. We’ve gone from “the most wonderful time of the year” to “the most depressing month of the year”; booze is all you have to keep your sanity. If you want to pick a month to detox, do it in October when there’s loads of cultural things on to distract you. And then you can go mad at Halloween… it’s perfect.
2 – Start a blog
Have you ever met anyone with a blog? God they’re annoying. You go out for a drink with them and they just start reading their posts aloud. It’s nothing short of obnoxious. Bloggers are convinced that their opinion actually matters. The dream of one day being a social media “influencer” is all that fills their tiny narcissistic brains. Which reminds me – please subscribe to my Facebook page for regular updates on my plays, my likes and dislikes and what I think about stuff that’s happening.
3 – Go on a diet
This one kills me. How many times in 2 weeks have I had to hit the “hide ad” button on Facebook. It’s literally EVERYWHERE. Look, the healthiest person in the world could be healthier – or is probably so clean inside and out that if someone sneezed a mile away, they’d catch a cold. Could you eat better – of course you could. Baby steps. Have one sugar in your coffee, not three (did you hear that… everyone in Brazil?). Maybe have the Coke Zero next time in the cinema. Give lentils a go. If you throw a tonne of curry powder on them – they’re nice. But don’t go mad and definitely don’t spend stupid amounts of money on dieting tips. I got these dieting tablets for €55 and frankly I could have just got the diarrhoea tablets from Boots at €1.99… same thing. Don’t start putting avocados in your breakfast cereal. Kale is not a miracle food – it’s a feckin vegetable. Plus – humans are like animals – especially me in McDonalds at 4am on Saturday. In the colder months we need to store fat to keep us warm. I’m stocking up on carbs and cheese. Hint – if you deep fry cheese and dip it in mayo – it tastes better and has the same amount of protein.
4 – Book a holiday
January is the month of sales and that includes travel agents. They offer very attractive discounts to some of the most famous destinations in the world. I get it – it’s dark and cold and Christmas is over, there’s nothing to look forward to. So why not, book a holiday for July or August and have something to be excited about. “Oh my God, 40% off, look at this offer. Free breakfast included”. Back up – take a breather and think about this. What nutter would ever consider visiting Venice in August? The city basically transforms into one long Chinese queue of people. Do you want overpriced food? Do you want the Parisian waiter to literally throw the croissant at you? Are you tired of fast-pass, wouldn’t you love to spend the entire day waiting to get into a museum only to the see the one famous thing you know with a million Italian school children yelling at each other. Are you tired of relaxing on the beach – wouldn’t you love to have hundreds of people offer you complete crap while you admire the sea view. Then book a holiday with a travel agent and travel in summer. If you want to get away – go hiking in your own county in Jan – it’s healthier and cheaper. No money? One word – overdraft.
5 – Don’t’ visit free places in your local area.
Oh lord. I learned this one the hard way. So this is really a shout out for the British and Irish people reading as our countries have tonnes of free galleries and museums. These places may seem good to go in January – after all, they’re free, and you may learn something. The only downside is that they are filled with the worst combination of human beings in the world – children and new parents. Sadly, Santa went bat-shit crazy at Christmas and got himself into quite a bit of debt and now the only activities that he can do with the family are free ones. Expect the National Gallery to be swarmed with delightful screaming kids picking their noses and rubbing chocolate into their hair as the stare vacantly at Caravaggio’s – The Taking of Christ. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT IT FROM A DISTANCE.
6 – Join a gym
If you want to do this – do it in Feb. Some of my best friends work in gyms and I’ve worked in a gym for 2 years (both blatant lies), so I know what I’m talking about. EVERYONE joins in January and the gym is overflowing with people who stand beside a weight machine, on their phones and think they deserve an Olympic medal. Want to use the treadmill? Sorry, all 40 of them are in use, with the majority of people using them actually going at a glacial pace that is considerably slower than walking. So what do you do? You’ve joined, you’ve come all this way, and you’ve changed into your sports clothes. You end up in the steam room with that old man called John, who wants to have a discussion about the meaning of life. The bad thing about a steam room is that you can’t see who’s in it before you open the door and once you’ve opened the door, you’re committed. “What’s it all about young man. Can you answer me that”. Urgh….. NEXT.
7 – Buy a Diary
Similar to point two. Although more private than a blog – trust me, you’re still gonna look back on it in a year and cringe. And let’s be honest, no one that wrote a diary ever became famous except Ann Frank and that was odd because she didn’t even finish the story (Thanks Joan). You’re better off sticking post-tits (hehe tits) to a mirror and having a daily positive message. Then discard them. Hoarding anything isn’t good.
8 – Ask to borrow gifts.
Christmas is a time for giving and at the beginning of the New Year, it’s worthwhile to take a look around and see what everyone got. Perhaps you want to borrow a jacket from your housemate or maybe some aftershave that you think smells nicer than yours. Don’t. As people are very unlikely to share with you.
(The following is specifically targeted at somebody)
Maybe you have a very dirty hallway and someone got a brand new super cordless Dyson Hoover and you ask to borrow it and she’s all like “Oh, I’m not sure this Hoover works on a carpet”. And then you have a big argument because someone loves asking for favours but doesn’t really like doing them and then you think to youyourself …WHY WHY WHY?
So yeah – long story short…. don’t ask to borrow stuff.
9 – Don’t buy crap in the sales
Do I need an inflatable monkey from Tiger even if it’s 50% off? Probably not. Shops don’t offer sales because they like you and they think you deserve a treat. Sales items are crap that no one was too stupid enough to buy during the mad capitalist materialist rush – so don’t fall for it now. Unless the Eurosaver (Dollar Store, Poundland) is having a sale on toilet paper… avoid.
10 – Ask or Tell
Newsflash – no one is interested in your New Year’s Resolution. Vocalising your aims and your ambitions has nothing to do with actually achieving them (I’m totally saying that to myself more than anyone else). Pared with talking about people’s dreams, people’s resolutions must be the most mind-numbing topic of conversation. Yawn. Only discuss your resolutions if someone asks you.
Never ask anyone about their resolutions. It’s deeply private and you may end up cornered in a boring one way conversation for the best part of an hour.
Although this article may seem negative in tone – remember the overall purpose. You are fine, just the way you are and you don’t need to change anything … except the person that doesn’t want to share their Hoover. You should pull your socks up.
Happy 2019 and here’s to being exactly the same as we were 12 months ago.